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- Look kids, Chris is risen!
- Hay what do you think is better "Jesus says relax" or "I'm too sexy for my Lord"?
- Nancy: "Talk to Shane about jerking off." Andy: " I'm all over it."
- "Man, how did you get so smart at what, sixteen? It took me years to learn slightly defective chicks are the way to go. I once went out with this girl with a baby arm, insane in the sack, plus when she grabbed my dick with her little hand it looked gigantic."
- (To Shane about Masturbation) "Alright, listen closely, I'm not going to beat around the bush. Ha ha ha, your little body's changing - it's all good, believe me. Problem now is... every time we jerk the gherkin, we got a lot of unwanted sticky white stuff everywhere, right? Right. So... first order of business---no more socks.They're expensive, gumming up the works plumming - wise. Now you might be thinking to yourself, "But, Uncle Andy, What do I do with all that Pearl Jam if I can't spew it into Mr. Sock?" Glad you asked... You can have a lovely time tugging the tiger in the shower each morning - that eliminates the need for a goo glove. But, the day is long, masturbation's fun, so unless we want to take 4 or 5 showers every day, we're gonna need some other options. So let's start with the basics. Tissues. Perfectly acceptable backstop for all that creamy Italian. They can be rough and dry on such soft, sensitive skin and it can stick to your dick head like a fuckin' band-aid---Ouch. From there we move on to more lubricated flack-catchers--specifically, bananas. Step one: Peel the banana. Step two: Slip the peel over your Randy Johnson and start pitching. Now for extra credit, warm up the peel in the microwave. Not too hot! Serious yowza. Also, olive oil, moisturizer, honey, spit, butter, hair conditioner, and vaseline can all be used for lube. In my opinion, the best lube.... is lube. So save your allowance and invest in some soon. Alright, moving on - when you tug you thomas on the toilet -ffft- shoot right into the bowl. In bed - soft t-shirt, perhaps a downy hand towel of your very own that you don't mind tossing after tossing. There's no such thing as polishing the raised scepter of love too much. It reduces stress, it enhances immune function. Also, practice makes perfect, so work on your control now, while you're a solo artist---you'll be playing some long, happy duets in the future. Okay. Class dismissed."
- " I guessed poison-- was i right? Silas thought you smothered him in his sleep. Shane had some wild theory about you and a samurai." (Andy, on Nance "killing" Peter)
(to Nancy) "I'm glad our last name isn't Drew, cause then you'll be Nancy Drew and I'll be Andrew Drew." (singing) "There's no business like grow business. There's no business i know." "So in other words, once you go Rabbi you never go bye-bye." Andy: "Holy Ned, you're a giant redwood. Move, Redwood!" Abumchuk: " I'm not Redwood, I'm not Yeti man, Master Mohawk, Chief Wiggum, Eskimo Pie, Great White North, or Warshington Redskin. And I'm not your snow nigger. You rude piece of shit. I'm F***ing through with you." Andy: "Hay, hay, come on. I called you snow Nigg-a, with an "a." Jeez, Nanook, you're so sensitive." (Abumchuk headbutts Andy) (on the phone with Nancy) "Oh we're having a great time. We're at the dump, yeah, Shane wanted to see where the trash went." Andy: " I'm clearly not fit." Sergeant Holbrook: "You can walk, can't ya?" Andy: "Not in lockstep, no. I tend to weave now." Sargeant Holbrook: "Didn't Notice." Andy: " I'll fail the drug test." Sergeant Holbrook: "We'll Clean you up." Andy: " I'm gay." Sergeant Holbrook: "We got a unit for that." (to Rodriguez) "We're both gonna die. Actually, You're gonna die, I'm gonna hid under your corpse and pretend taht I'm dead until everyone's gone away." (to Nance) "They say arson is a sexual crime. Couldn't you have just rubbed one out?" "Where there's smoke, there's smoke." Nancy: "Guest room? Guest room?" Andy: " I guess I could sleep with Lupita..." Lupita: (In disgust) "Urgh." Andy: "Know this Lupita: Until you learn to love me, I've got enough love for the both of us." Silas: (Referring to the SideKick Andy just gave him) "Does it really work?" Andy: "Yeah, for about another three weeks, then you'll want to scratch off the serial number and get a new service plan." Silas: "So how was Alaska?" Andy: "Alaska was so beautiful, In the summer you could party all night, then it got dark and i met this psycho girl that tried to bring me up on charges." Andy: "Hey Lupita, settle an argument for us, what do you call the thing between the dick and the asshole? Lupita: "The coffee table." (Referring to Andy and Doug) Silas: (Reading a T-shirt) "Chris died for your sins" Is that a joke?" Andy: "Yeah on me. That's what happens when you outsource to fucking Malaysia. 8 year olds in a sweat shop can't spell for shit. See, I was trying to jump on board with the whole "Red state Jesus" thing - the fashion of the Christ and I end up with 3,000 of these (pointing to the t-shirt). Cause it there's one thing I've learned with the Christ crowd - Totally no sense of humor. Should have gone after the jew market. At least we can take a joke." Andy: "How did it go at the tournament?" Shane: " I brought shame to my elders." Andy: "Well, that happens sometimes." Andy: "You want to smoke up?" Doug: "Is the Pope Polish?" Andy: "German" Nancy: "You drove here all the way from Alaska?" Kat: "Yeah, I borrowed some salmon from the fishery..." Andy: "That means she stole it." Kat: "The man at the 7-Eleven gave me a case of Red Bull..." Andy: "And that means she stole it." Kat: "And that's all I've been eating and drinking for the past 47 hours, I feel great!" Kat: " It's now or never. Come with me. I can't be alone and you're my favorite person on Earth. Andy: " I can't do it, Kat." Kat: "Fine, fuck you. Give me your van keys." Andy: "You can't have my van! Kat: " I'm just gonna steal it anyway. Andy: "Fine." Andy: "You know, I haven't forgotten how you stabbed me screaming "Die, shithead, die." Kat: "You stepped on my spirit turtle!" Silas: " I'm never getting married, It's death." Andy: "You're a little young to have reached that conclusion." Shane: "How come you're not married, Uncle Andy?" Andy: "Because it's death," Andy: (Comes in with burgers): "Now, I thought your people didn't eat cows." Sanjay: "And I thought yours didn't eat cheeseburgers." Nancy: "People are too overwhelmed by choice. They seek simplicity." Andy: " I'm not buying it. This is a culture where you can order a coffee 80 million ways and people love it." "Cause it's just blah blah blah. You hope for blah. And sometimes you find it but mostly it's blah, and find it. But mostly its blah, and waiting for, blah, and hoping you were right about the blahs you made and then, just when you think you have the whole blah dame thing figured out you are surrounded by the ones you blah, death shows up. And blah, blah, blah." Andy: "Are we gonna die tonight?" Nancy: "Probably not." Andy: "Still, we could. let's say thoughful things about each other." Nancy: "You're a good person. You've really stepped up for the kids. You make me laugh. I'm glad you're part of the family." Andy: "I miss Yael." Nancy: "Thank you. Andy. That's very sweet."
- "I'll sell to anyone cool who wants some weed. I'm flexi."